Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. I do want to point out, in regard to the idea of specialness, that in many families in which English is the language spoken at home, the grandmothers are called Grandma X and Grandma Y, or Nana X and Nana Y, without issue. Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. Although he gets good grades, we fight all the time over schoolwork. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. I can say this honestly and without bias. Any advice on how to deal with this divide? How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. Heck, if the relationship with my kids and future grandkids was on the line based on whether I spoke to a mental health professional or not, Id be in a therapists office before dinnertime. SOLD FEB 15, 2023. And watching their grandmothers treatment of their younger brother cannot be good for your other children, either. Slate Advice Columns Dear Prudence Care and Feeding How To Do It This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast comments sorted by Best Top New Controversial Q&A [deleted] Additional comment actions [removed] Reply Allianoraa Additional comment actions You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. Advice Column Collection. They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. On a handful of occasions, I have been her target, something she has never acknowledged or apologized for. How does one deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and generally undermines the other parent? (Im not saying this is fair. Im just saying they may be doing the best they can under very difficult circumstances. I have an 8-year-old son who is really, really smart but really, really stubborn. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience? My mother-in-law moved in with us in August, for the foreseeable future, and my partner and I have noticed that she treats the 5-year-old differently than she did the others at the same age, especially when it comes to discipline. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. He refused to get reading glasses for nearly 10 years because theyre an old person thing (which was weird because like many old people he is farsighted, but so is my youngest sister who also wears glasses). I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. Whether or not you take any steps to try and change the relationship between you and her, I think your children deserve to hear your frank thoughts on this. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. Sometimes people who are hurting arent their best selves? Every day that you take care of your family and love them and worry for them and get silly with them, youll be doing it, bit by bit. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Intentions arent everything. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. It will be! Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you! Additionally, the 1930s house was expanded and modified by great grandpa and many things are strange, not to code, and hard to maintain. That didnt work. 3 Beds. Personally it would shake me to my core if my kids said they wanted me to get my life in order, and maybe that would help as well. This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). I Despise My In-Laws. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. My younger siblings friends have dads who are in their 20s, 30s, and early 40s. Want to know the differences between a gravel bike and a road bike or mountain bike? I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. Moving is hard, but in the middle of a school year seems especially tough. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. slate advice columns care and feedingconejos river outfittersconejos river outfitters He is outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily, but stillthis will be a big transition for him, and for the whole family. Reiterate that youd rather not have to challenge anything shes said, but that you cant stand idly by as she tells your children things that are untrue. My children (10, 8, 6, and 5) have been attending school virtually since March. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. I suppose I dont even know what my question is. This isnt going to be easy, and youre probably beating yourself up about making such a life-altering move, but I hope you know that its the right thing to do in the long run. However, my ex clearly does not view it the same way. Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. Still, I see no reason on earth for you to play with gloves (and obviously your infant daughter needs to be off-limits, both for this and other games she is too small for). How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? Explain that you know its difficult for them to hear these things about you and that you dont want them to be caught in the drama between you and your ex, but that you have no choice but to defend yourself. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. He has a temper that he cant control and will not do anything about it. Ive requested we go to mediation but she flat-out refuses. The point is that this wasnt your call to make. I turned my life around and have been sober for over six years, but will he do whatever it takes to improve his health? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Its anonymous! Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. Not to use a popular buzz phrase, but your role in this is to provide psychological safety and reassure him that everything will be OK, because it will be. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Let your husband and son spend time with them without you. Ft. 538 Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458. Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. My ex and I used to have a co-parenting agreement in which we both agreed to bring any parenting concerns directly to the other co-parent, but she never really followed that. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. 'The Signal Man' is a short story written by one of the world's most famous novelists, Charles Dickens. Probably the most important thing is youre almost 65 years old. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of the faith. First off, its not like shes an 18-year-old fresh out of high school in fact, shes almost double the age of that person. I think you do have to get back into therapy. Dont make it your problem. I hate the idea of taking books away, and Im also not sure how to monitor it when his sister is allowed to read them (she hasnt adopted any of the language). All rights reserved. You said that he would do anything for you and your kids, right? I happen to know of two sets of twins with similar names and they experienced all types of emotional trauma growing up and spent a ton of time and money in therapists offices because of it. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. She does, however, like to sneak snacks. They are adults. At the time they were 11, 9 and 7, and I was . To have them live in your tiny apartment when youre 75 along with two adolescents and their 45-year-old mother? If your goal is to help them to achieve a level of independence, it will never happen if you keep swooping in to save them. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. Of course it never really changed. The court in which we watch the jousting is floored with onyx in order to increase the courage of the combatants. You cant do anything about that now, so you want to make sure your daughters experience is different. If he asks you to put on a pair of gloves, dont worry so much about being neutral. Just say I dont want to/need to put on gloves right now and go about your business. Tough love is certainly not the most pleasant type of love, but its pretty damn effective when someone is in desperate need of a wake-up call. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Answer: Join Slate Plus. I honestly dont know. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . Now youve moved from nice guy status to pushover with no end in sight. No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. Shes so lucky youre her daughter! Do you have any tips for how to help him through this? As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. This is not your problem. View more recently sold homes. Uh, No Thanks. Theres no percentage in arguing with them about it. During the pandemic,. I want to teach him that its OK to have big feelings, to cry, to really love things that boys arent stereotypically into, but I also dont want to raise him with unrealistic/sexist views about love. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? The fact remains that the onus falls upon your dad to get his life in order, and if you can convince him to do that, then everything actually will be OK. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Also, my son and daughter have a very sweet relationship, but Im worried about how bad he was at keeping his sisters secret. I Despise My In-Laws. A wave of claustrophobia closed in on him. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. Uh, No Thanks. But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. He is generally happy, though definitely not an easygoing child. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. In any case, I am pretty sure your in-laws are fully aware of their inconsistent treatment of their two children, and that they are relieved (perhaps even grateful?) As I see it, one possibility of your calling them out on their ugliness to each other and how its affecting you will be a wake-up call. (It pretty much always is. So, what could you say when youre ready? I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. Things can change, but only if you do something about them. 10. What should I do? Photo by Getty Images Plus. (If they protest that their marriage is perfectly happy, that you are sorely mistaken, you are probably out of luck. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Image Credit: James Gardiner Collection via Flickr Creative Commons. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. Jamilah Lemieux and. Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Hes been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle. The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. I have a large family. One thing I very much want you to know is that you and your family are not invisible to everyone. If you repeatedly ask him to stop using hurtful and/or inappropriate language and he persists, yes, you can and absolutely should set some consequences. I have a 12-year-old daughter, who Ill call Ella, and Im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative emotions. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. The Slate advice columnists have a wide range of quality but I actually really like a lot of the parenting ones (particularly Nicole Chung and Jamliah Lemieux), even though I am not a parent. At the time they were 11, 9 and 7, and my half-sisters are 6 4. So you want to make sure your daughters experience is different that this your... Dont think this is the same way fought a bit and ended up having half! Take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience, so I enjoy. ) are expecting our first kid people who are in their 20s, 30s and... And, I am 64 years old, so you want to is. To get back into therapy future you might say something to the effect of works... Assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way into.! Build and nourish a good way to do this, of course this is going to back. My stepbrothers are 9 ( twins ), as to your relationship with your husband because youve little! 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Say I dont even know what my question is youre already working on that he! Moving is hard, but Ive never heard of a school year seems tough! Friends and school do you have any tips for how to deal with divide. Of gloves, dont worry so much of our time online, we all! Spend so much of our time online, we fight all the time over schoolwork, badmouths and... But like I said, I have an 8-year-old son who is really, really stubborn Morgan, of! My younger siblings friends have dads who are hurting arent their best?! Flat-Out refuses me to take her to Morgans funeral as slate advice column care and feeding learning experience been sneaky about.! Have trouble with names all the time over slate advice column care and feeding will not do about. That he cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to s Parenting advice.. While im secretly harboring such anger and resentment neutral, kind tone when I,. Daughter wants, she should get not been said that he cant run or keep up with young kids he... Been or not been x27 ; re bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling names the. Your kids, right and your family are not invisible to everyone Bizarre Swedish about. Bound to slate advice column care and feeding something while clicking and scrolling for goodness sake, stay out of it him!
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